Adrian Tchaikovsky visits the Pan Macmillan publishing office – a play in one scene.

As the scene opens ADRIAN TCHAIKOVSKY sits in a spacious office, in a chair facing a vast walnut desk. At the desk, in a huge black leather chair and smoking an ostentatiously large cigar, sits middle-aged publishing Executive SEYMOUR BUCKS. SEYMOUR leans across his desk to shake ADRIAN’S hand.

SB: Great to see you Adrian. Can I call you Ades?

AC: Well, it sounds a little like ‘AIDS’, but I guess…

SB: Great. Look, Ades, we need a follow up. Children of Time is hot. Smoking hot. Ariana Grande on the bonnet of my Tesla P100D hot. What have you got for me?

AC: Well, I’m looking at beginning a new series, based on…

SB: (interrupting) We need a sequel.

AC: Sorry?

SB: (Seymour slowly puffs a stream of cigar smoke into the air before speaking) We need a sequel to Children, Ades. We need another book, just like it.

AC: The same? Isn’t that a little… repetitive?

SB: People Love repetitive! Look at Fifty Shades! She wrote three novels! Three! Three endless, repeating tie-me-up-and-defile-me-up-the-bum books, written to the reading level of a child – a creepy, bondage obsessed child! We need more of the same, Ades, more weird animals getting smart and inventing shit.

AC: Ah, it’s just I was thinking I could go in a different direction with my next…

SB: Woah! Woah, woah, woah! Stop right there, buddy!

AC: But I haven’t any ideas for a sequel!

SB: (sighs) How hard can it be? Pick another animal, give it your smart virus and explain for ten chapters how it gets smart. Trust me, second time is eaaaasy. We can get accounting to brainstorm some ideas for you.

AC: Well, I suppose I… but I’m not even sure where to start...

SB: Look, the spider thing went big. Real big. Lets try another weird animal. How about ants?

(A silence sets over the room.)

AC: (frostily) There are already ants in Children of Time.

SB: Oh yeah! Of course there are, haha! How about, ahhhh - , slugs? Slimy, weird, gross, insect- all the moneymakers. Why not?

AC: (getting progressively angrier) Ah, well, there’s one problem there, Seymour. No legs. No arms. No evolutionary pathway! Seymour, it’s not going to fucking well work without an evolutiona...

SB: (Interrupting in a calming tone) Easy Ades, easy. You’re the expert here. Slugs are out, Not enough legs. I get you. I’m with you buddy. (SB pauses for thought, muttering “Legs, legs!” under his breath.) I’ve got it! Eight legs was a killer once, why not again? Go with me – Octopuses.

AC: (calming down) Octopuses.

SB: Yeah! Eight legs, weird, kinda freaky – all the things that make spiders so hot! You could have (looks at plot precis sheet for Children of Time in front of him) another terraforming project that goes wrong, in another solar system, cut short by war on earth and left to its own devices to evolve our octopuss-y buddies into a space-travelling civilisation!

AC: How are octopuses going to get into space?

SB: Maybe they could wear spacesuits full of water? That sort of magic is where you come in!

AC: (staring in disbelief) So you want me to basically tell the same story again, but with an eight legged animal instead of an eight-legged spider.

SB: Hot damn! That’s a great idea! Bloody fine work, Ades.

AC: (sighs) But what about conflict?

SB: OK… Look. Marketing want you to bring your spiders into this too. How about your people and your spiders from book one are on their way to visit these octupuses- we get all the weirdly legged animals in one place, to meet and argue and fight!

AC: (sighs existentially) You want me to mash my greatest creations into a scenario with some talking octopuses.

SB: Yes! YES! That’s great! We could even up the stakes a bit! How about you bring in some sort of alien parasite? People love those. I’ll get reception to send you a dvd of Prometheus. Great Sci-Fi film, Ades. Plenty of inspiration there for you.

AC: (slumps down in defeat) OK. Look I’ll give it a go, put a draft plan together. Thanks for the suggestion, and the ideas too, I guess.

SB: My pleasure. Sometimes I think I’m on the wrong side of this desk, haha! I’m looking forward to my staff reading your first draft Ades…. Ades! Ha! Hey, anyone ever tell you your name sounds like AIDS?

END SCENE

And so Adrian Tchaikovsky wrote a follow up novel named Children of Ruin, where his Portid spiders and their human friends travel to a far distant solar system to visit a planet seeded with intelligent octopuses, where a malevolent alien threat awaits them. And even though this follow up novel was similar in some ways to Children of Time it was still a cracking read, and a great story.

Four eight-legged animals out of five.